


November 2nd, 1994

by gennified



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex character study, Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia, Reggie and Alex friendship is underrated and we deserve more of it, The rating is for language, let Alex say fuck, the real pairing here is Alex/Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27093028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gennified/pseuds/gennified
Summary: But it’s not just about that, Alex wants to scream. Their parents don’t understand them, sure, but it’s not in the same way Alex’s parents will never understand him. It’s not just typical teenage angst. It’s gay teenage angst. It’s Alex’s teenage angst.On Alex, growing up gay in the 90s, representation, and coming clean.
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 121
Kudos: 473





	November 2nd, 1994

**Author's Note:**

> check the end for historical notes about the bands, songs, and concert mentioned throughout. and shout out to @BabyGenius for beta-reading for me!

Alex corners Luke at his locker in between classes. He’s brimming with nerves, unable to stand still, his fingers tapping out a beat on the locker next to Luke’s. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous about this, when he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer. But somehow in between his pre-calculus class and catching Luke on his way to English, he’s worked himself up into questioning whether this might be a good idea after all. No one knows, he’s sure, of his real motivation. He has the perfect cover. He just needs to act cool enough not to give himself away.

“Hey man, you got a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Luke replies as he struggles with the lock on his locker, shooting Alex a pleading look. After the third time Luke had gotten detention for being late to class because he couldn’t open his locker, he had shoved a sticky note with his combination on it at Alex and begged him to memorize it. Wordlessly Alex moves to open Luke’s locker for him.

“Green Day are playing the Palladium in November. You down?” Why does his voice sound so nervous? Luke loves Green Day, even if he rolls his eyes and calls them sellouts now that everyone knows their name. Even though Alex has other reasons for going, he knows, instinctively, that Luke and the other boys won’t need any convincing. 

“Oh cool, I’m in for that. Do you know who’s opening for them?” asks Luke. 

“Um-” Alex hesitates, his breath caught for a moment. This could be the moment, he tells himself. But he chooses not to embrace it. “No clue.” 

This is an absolute lie. Because Alex does know who is opening for them-- the opening band is the only reason Alex is willing to brave the sweaty crowd of probably three-thousand people packed into the Palladium, even if he does really like Green Day. 

Pansy Division. A queer punk group that Alex has been listening to with near-religious reverence, a copied cassette of _Deflowered_ with the tape almost worn out hidden carefully in his beat-up Walkman. The front of the cassette was blank when the owner at the queer bookstore that Alex frequents weekly had slid it across the counter towards him after weeks of watching Alex stare at it when he came in to read—but never purchase—the gay literature lining the shelves. Alex could barely muster a ‘thank you’ as he stuffed the cassette in his fanny pack, his hair falling over his face like a shield that he refused to brush back. 

When he left that store that day, he had realized that the owner was probably the first person to ever acknowledge that he is gay. His cheeks had blushed bright red and he hadn’t been able to figure out if the feeling bubbling in his chest was shame or pride. After playing through the album the first time, he had known it was pride. 

Since then, however, he still hasn’t told anyone. 

Alex hates lying to his best friends, but he’s been lying to them for well over a year now, ignoring their attempts to coax him to talk about his crushes the same way they do. He had written “Blur - Parklife” across the front in sharpie and whenever his friends ask what he is listening to, he tells them he’s just really into British music these days. 

Luke is giving him a concerned look, and Alex snaps back in the present, realizing that he was lost in his own head again. That’s been happening a lot lately, so much so that even Luke has noticed, and has taken to staying behind after their band practices to ask if he’s okay. 

“Sorry, did you say something?” he asks, attempting casual, though his pulse has started to race out of fear of being found out. 

“Yeah, I asked if you could drive us there.” Alex is the only one in the group with his driver’s license-- the rest haven’t bothered to learn, no matter how much Alex begs them because he truly, truly hates how anxiety-inducing driving can be. 

“No, I’ll just drive myself. You can have fun walking,” he replies. Luke punches him lightly in his arm. “Of course I’ll drive you, idiot.” 

The school bell rings, and Alex realizes he’s late for English. “Band practice tonight?”

Luke lights up the way he always does when he thinks about the band. They’ve only just started to actually book their own shows, but in his head, he’s already cast them as the rockstars that they’ll be some day. “Of course. Bobby’s at 5. Don’t be late!” 

\----

Alex can’t stop himself from radiating excitement in the weeks leading up to the concert. Reggie’s in, as long as someone (Alex) pays for his ticket, and Bobby is devastated that he can’t go. He shoves some dollar bills into Alex’s hand when he asks and tells him to at least get him a tour t-shirt so that people will think he actually went with them. 

Alex is bouncier than he has been, hitting all the right beats in rehearsals and even offering a few lyric suggestions, which is something he never does, because the things he wants to write songs about are so different from the rest of the boys. 

There’s a song on the new Green Day album that Alex has been listening to a lot lately, and it’s the exact kind of song that Alex wishes he could write for Sunset Curve. Where Pansy Division are explicitly, loudly, and wonderfully gay in their lyrics and sound, Green Day’s ‘Coming Clean’ is something different entirely. 

When the album had first come out, the entire band had listened to it together, huddled together around the half-broken boombox in the loft, close enough to smack it when it started to skip. They had been saving up for a CD player, but most of their savings had gone to getting Reggie his leather jacket for his birthday. No amount of new technology could match Reggie’s smile, and they were all fine with that, even if it made their listening parties a little more difficult. 

Every song on the album was a hit with the band, with someone always declaring “We _have_ to cover this one” at the end of every track. It’s fast-paced, relatable teenage antipathy. 

Until they get to the eleventh track. Alex found himself bolting up straight in his seat by the end of the second verse, looking around wildly, to see if anyone else had noticed what he had, but everyone else was simply jamming along, nodding their heads in time with the beat. Reggie was playing air bass along to Mike Dirnt’s catchy bass line. 

“ _Skeletons come to life in my closet,_ ” sang Billie Joe, “ _I found out what it takes to be a man, now mom and dad will never understand_.”

Alex’s heart had gone haywire. He was almost fully confident that Billie Joe Armstrong plagiarized those lyrics directly from Alex’s mind. Closet? What it takes to be a man? Mom and dad won’t understand? And the song was called ‘Coming Clean.’ It’s about coming out. It can’t be about anything else. 

But no one else seemed to have noticed. It’s a short song, but when it was over, Reggie yelled, “That one rocked! Next show we’re doing it,” and then Bobby chimed in with, “Seriously, our parents have never understood us,” and Luke responded with an “Amen to that.” 

But it’s not just about that, Alex had wanted to scream. Their parents don’t understand, sure, but it’s not in the same way Alex’s parents will never understand him. It’s not just typical teenage angst. It’s gay teenage angst. It’s _Alex’s_ teenage angst. 

When they packed it up for the night, Alex had begged them to let him borrow the cassette, just until school the next Monday. The others had complained, and they fought over it, a fight that eventually dissolved into a rock-paper-scissors tournament. Reggie had won, somehow, but when Alex dropped him off at his house that night, he had found the cassette sitting in the car seat, Reggie having accidentally left it behind. 

It was that song that had sent Alex looking for more songs that were explicitly about his struggles, which is how he had ended up finding the queer bookstore tucked in a rundown shopping center only a stone’s throw from his house. He doubts his parents know the store exists—if they did, he would have never heard the end of it growing up, because his father certainly never let an opportunity to espouse his options on homosexuality go to waste. 

It had taken him weeks to even work up the courage to go in, but when he did push his way inside, there was no fanfare. The person behind the register didn’t even look up when he entered, and Alex had been free to wander the shelves in anonymity. It wasn’t just books, but records and cassettes and handmade magazines, some of which were even free even though Alex still hadn’t worked up the courage to dare to take one. There was a bulletin board in the back advertising concerts, drag shows, underground radio stations, so many things that Alex had never known how to search out. 

It’s all at his fingertips in L.A., a blessing of living in the center of the entertainment world. But he’s completely alone in it, too afraid of getting found out to even take a free ‘zine, let alone go to a show by himself. 

When he finds out about the Pansy Division and Green Day tour, it’s like the fates have finally thrown his lonely soul a lifeline for a chance at being able to be himself when he’s around his friends. 

\----

The drive to the Palladium is more stressful than it should be. First, the boys are too excited for the show and screaming along to the car radio at a very distracting volume. Alex gets nervous driving under even the best conditions, and he keeps yelling at them to shut up so he can concentrate, but neither of the other boys pay attention enough to listen. Second, he still hasn’t figured out where they are going to park, which, in Hollywood, is definitely something he should have planned ahead. And third, Alex still hasn’t worked up the courage to tell the guys about the opening band, and he’s not even sure if he should. They’ll figure it out early on, he knows. Pansy Division isn’t exactly subtle. 

‘Basket Case’ comes on the radio after the fourth time that Alex has told Luke and Reggie to calm down, which only makes them cackle more. 

“This song is definitely about you.” Luke punches him lightly. Alex hopes it’s about his anxiety and not the decidedly male pronoun Billie Joe uses about the whore he visits. Thank god his enunciation sucks, thinks Alex, because no one seems to have picked that up. 

He had read in a magazine somewhere that Billie Joe got married recently. But it doesn’t change what ‘Coming Clean’ means. So he’s bisexual instead of gay. He’s still different, just like Alex. 

Alex wonders if they’ll play that song at all.

“That was our turn, dude,” Reggie points out, right after they pass it. 

“Cool, that’s for telling me _after_. That’s very helpful,” hisses Alex as he turns into the next street instead. 

“Didn’t realize you expected us to navigate for you.” Reggie sounds a little hurt as he sits back. 

Alex sighs. “Sorry. This is just very stressful.” 

“You okay, man? I mean, I know you worry, but lately you’ve been way worse than normal. Distracted driving is bad, you know,” says Luke.

“Oh, you finally started reading the Driver’s Ed manual, did you?” replies Alex.

“Not an answer,” Luke shoots back. 

“I’m fine,” he lies through his teeth. He doesn’t want to take his eyes off the road, but he’s pretty sure Luke and Reggie are sharing a _look_. Sometimes he wonders if they already know. “Just anxious about the show. It’ll be a lot of people.” 

“Yeah, but we’re going to play bigger crowds than this someday. You’ll be okay with that, won’t you?”

“That’s different. We’re going to be the ones on the stage then.”

“And your drum set is like its own fortress,” replies Reggie with a laugh. “This turn!” 

It’s a little too last minute, but Alex swerves onto the right road anyway, his knuckles white on the wheel. Luke and Reggie whoop gleefully. “Almost there!”

\----

By luck, they find a garage charging an affordable flat rate for the show only two blocks away. 

The line to get in is long, as expected, and rowdy, which they also should have expected. They had been late getting there, even before Alex’s accidental detour, and when they finally do get into the venue, they are squished somewhere in the middle. Luke keeps standing on his tiptoes, trying to see over the crowd. Laughing at that with Reggie helps calm Alex down, even though Reggie can barely see, either. At least God had the decency to make Alex tall, even if He fucked up when He was making Alex’s brain.

They don’t have to wait long for Pansy Division to take the stage. 

The euphoria of seeing himself represented on stage, in songs about wanting a boyfriend and songs about accidentally flirting with a straight guy, almost prevents Alex from noticing the sudden change in the audience after they catch on to what the opening band is singing about. 

It starts with jeers, but when Pansy Divisions comes in with an even raunchier song about gay bar hook ups, the crowd gets angrier. There are slurs that cut across Alex’s chest like a knife, and people in the crowd are booing and telling them to get off the stage. He thinks he sees something fly on the stage from the audience, but he hopes it was just his vision playing tricks on him.

He doesn’t know what he expected. In his excitement to see the band that had been speaking directly to his soul the last three months, he hadn’t let himself consider what the audience would do. For as homophobic as he knew his parents were, Alex had always thought that the rest of L.A. was more accepting, that things were getting better. It was Hollywood, after all, he had reasoned. Maybe they couldn’t relate, but they wouldn’t get violent. Now, though, that felt like a very real fear. He looks over to Reggie, who turns to look back at him at the same time, shock written all over this face. Then he turns to Luke. 

“It’s not right,” Luke says, and he must say it loudly for Alex to be able to hear it over the jeering, but somehow it still feels like it’s under his breath. Alex’s heart stops in his chest, and he knows he’s gaping at Luke. If being disappointed in how the crowd was treating the band hurt, it is nothing compared to the idea that Luke, his closest friend, _agrees_ with them. It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. 

Oh no, Alex thinks as the corners of his vision start to edge out into black. He’s having a panic attack. 

He’s vaguely aware when Luke and Reggie manage to push him through the crowd and towards the side of the venue, where there’s less people, even if there’s still a lot of noise. Reggie is running his hands up his arm, trying to calm him. His mouth is moving, and he’s probably telling Alex to breath, but it’s just too loud. Luke is trying to get Alex to look at him, to focus on him which Alex absolutely cannot do right now. 

He closes his eyes, and tries to focus on breathing, tries to ignore the yelling of the crowd. It’s comforting, in a way, that Pansy Division is playing on, despite the way the audience is acting towards them. It’s like they don’t care at all that so many people hate the very core of who they are. 

“ _We're here to tell you, you better make way,_ ” sings Jon Ginoli. “ _We're queer rockers in your face today_.” 

Unapologetic. Just how Alex wants to be, one day. 

Reggie is staring at him, concern written across his face, when Alex finally opens his eyes again. “I’m fine now, it’s okay,” he assures him, though he wonders if he can hear him over the noise. Reggie raises his eyebrows, and Alex can tell he doesn’t believe him. “Seriously,” he says, a little louder this time. 

Reggie nods, and shoots a look at Luke, who has turned his attention back to the rambunctious crowd. 

“ _With loud guitars, we're gay and proud, we gonna get you with your pants down._ ” The crowd is angry, and another bottle or two flies. There’s boos and more yelling, but through it all Pansy Division plays on. 

They end their set to few cheers, but there are some. It’s not only Alex in the crowd that is there for them, and again Alex feels the sense of comradery, that he’s not alone. He doesn’t look to his friends to see if they are at least clapping for the band. He doesn’t want to be disappointed if they aren’t. But he offers his own cheers, wishing somehow the band could know what they’ve done for him. 

Reggie squeezes him on the shoulder. Alex thinks it’s just to make sure he’s still doing okay after his panic attack, and he offers him a smile. Luke asks him if he’s feeling better and Alex pretends that he doesn’t hear him.

Green Day take the stage not long after and it’s easy to forget anything else going on. They are fun, loud and irreverent, and the mood in the crowd has completely shifted.

It’s easy for Alex to ignore Luke for the rest of the show, hanging off Reggie instead as they sing along to every hit. Alex yells himself hoarse when they play ‘Coming Clean,’ along with the same crowd that not even an hour earlier was shouting slurs at the opening act. Alex would laugh at how ridiculous it is, but it’s what he expects from heterosexual people at this point. 

When the show is over, Alex tells the boys that he’s going to brave the crowd at the merch stand to buy Bobby his t-shirt. Luke offers to do it for him, since he knows how Alex feels about crowds, but Alex has already left. 

He does buy the Green Day shirt for Bobby, as promised, but he buys himself a Pansy Division shirt, too, stuffing it into his fanny pack even though he knows it’ll wrinkle. He’ll have to hide it in the garage, though the boys might find it, or maybe in the trunk of his car, where his parents could find it, but he’ll figure it out. At least it’s his. 

\----

Luke and Reggie are whispering together in the parking garage when he makes his way back to the van, but they quiet as soon as they spot him. Much to Alex’s dismay, Luke takes the passenger seat. It’s much harder to ignore him that way. 

Alex knows that he can’t ignore him forever. He just hasn’t figured out what he wants to say yet.

There’s silence until they get onto the freeway. No one touches the radio. 

“I think we all lost our voices from singing too loud, huh?” Reggie starts. Luke is silent, watching him to see if he’ll say anything. 

“It was fun,” Alex replies, eventually. 

“It’s a shame how the crowd were treating that band, though. Not cool at all,” Reggie says. He’s not wrong, but from the corner of his eye, Alex can see Luke turn to Reggie and mouth something. Alex tightens his grip on the steering wheel. Here it comes. 

“I liked them. The opening band. They were good,” he says, eyes trained on the road. 

“You missed most of their set with your panic attack,” Luke points out, his voice quiet and raspy. 

“I was still listening.” 

“What happened in there, man? Was it just the size of the crowd?” Luke presses. “Because you seemed fine by the end of the show.” 

Alex takes a deep breath. “It was the way the crowd was acting.”

“You were scared? They did seem really angry,” Luke says after a beat of silence. Alex thinks about it for a moment. 

“Yeah, I guess.” But not because the crowd could turn violent on a whim. It’s that the crowd was shouting and hating _him_ even if they didn’t know it. 

“It wasn’t cool,” says Luke. An echo of his earlier comment. “What the crowd was doing. It wasn’t right.” 

Alex’s foot presses down harder on the gas than he means for it to, and the van lurches forward harshly onto the empty freeway. “That’s what you meant?” 

“Huh?”

“During the show. You said it wasn’t right. I thought you meant the band. That you didn’t like the band.”

Luke is staring at him. “Why would I say that?”

Alex doesn’t know. He feels like an idiot. He had spent so long wondering how his friends felt about people like him that he had projected his fears directly onto them. “We’ve never really talked about, I guess. What you think about…” he trails off, losing his courage at the last moment. 

“Gay people?” Luke finishes for him. “I guess we haven’t, but why would we need to?”

“I’m gay.”

The wind rushes out of him as soon as the words have left his mouth. He said it. He finally pushed those words out of his head and into the world, and now there is no way to push them back in. He’s known this about himself for almost two years now, two years of pretending to be something he wasn’t when he was around the people who were supposed to know him the best. Two years of fending off blind dates and gossip about crushes. Two years of fear that somehow the people around him would find out and stop loving him. 

But that fear is gone now. The audience had hated Pansy Division and they had played on, not caring the slightest how they were received. That’s how it should be, decides Alex. That’s how he’s going to be.

At some point, Reggie has reached the distance from the backseat to the driver’s seat to put a gentle hand on Alex’s shoulder. He had known, deep down, that he could trust Reggie. Reggie doesn’t have a hateful bone in his body. 

Alex spares a look at Luke. He looks devastated. 

“Dude, I am _so_ sorry if I ever did anything to make you think I wouldn’t accept you. I don’t—I couldn’t, Alex. You’re one of my best friends. I love you, man.” 

“You didn’t—” His voice catches. He doesn’t think he’s crying, but maybe the tears in his eyes are from relief. “You didn’t do anything, Luke. I’m sorry. I was just scared, I guess. My parents…” 

“Have you told them?” Reggie asks, his grip tightening on Alex’s shoulder as Alex takes their exit ramp off the freeway. 

“No. And please don’t say anything to anyone. You guys are the first people I’ve told.” 

“Thank you. For telling us,” says Luke. He still looks sad, like a kicked puppy, that Alex could have thought so lowly of him. “I won’t say anything.” 

“Yeah, me either,” promises Reggie. 

Alex nods. He trusts them. He tries not to feel guilty for having doubted them before. “Thanks, guys. And I love you, too.”

“So that opening band, you liked them? Did you know about them or was it just coincidence?” asks Luke. 

“I have one of their albums. They’re called Pansy Division. It’s a good album.” Then, after a moment, “They’re the reason I wanted to see the show in the first place.”

“I liked their energy,” replies Reggie.

“Can I borrow the album?” Luke asks. 

Whatever Alex was expecting, that was not it. “Sure, if you want,” he replies, trying to mask the shock in his voice. “Just be careful, if your parents find it. It’s very in-your-face.”

Luke shrugs. “I don’t really think they’ll care. And if for some reason it does piss them off, then good.” 

The van pulls up to the curb next to Luke’s house and he unbuckles his seatbelt. Alex unzips his fanny pack for the cassette, but Luke stops him. “Tomorrow. At band practice. You might want to listen to it tonight or something, after everything.” 

“Kind of, yeah.” It’s comforting how well Luke still knows him, like he didn’t suddenly become a new person after his confession. “Hey man, I’m sorry for getting mad at you at the show. I didn’t realize--”

“Don’t worry about it,” Luke interrupts him. “I get it, I do. I promise. We’re good.” 

Alex nods, waving him off with a “good night.” He still feels guilty, and he wonders how much of that is just his anxiety. But he knows Luke is good for his word. If he says they’re good, then he means it.

“Mind if I sit up front with you?” Reggie asks, although he’s already climbing over the center console when he says it. 

“Sure.”

“I’m still staying with you tonight, right? Or do you wanna be alone?” Reggie lives the farthest away out of all of them, so they had already agreed that it would be easiest if he spent the night Alex’s after the concert and went together to band practice the next day. But that had been before this impromptu coming out, and Alex isn’t sure if he still wanted to.

“You can still come. It’s up to you.”

“Cool,” says Reggie as he settles into the passenger seat. “We don’t have to go back to your place right away. Wanna just drive around? Enjoy the city without all the traffic?”

“Driving just makes me anxious. Traffic or not,” Alex replies. 

Reggie nods. “Why don’t we just go to that park by your house then?”

\----

Alex is thankful to be out from behind the wheel of the van once they arrive at the park. He’s pretty sure they’re not supposed to be there after dark, but he also doesn’t really care at this point. The air is fresh and there’s no one else around, which is just what he needs. Reggie is already heading over to the jungle gym, and Alex follows, climbing inside and up to the top of the structure. 

“It was a good show,” says Reggie, finally. “That kind of energy. We’re going to be like that someday.”

“But hopefully with a better crowd,” replies Alex. He knows Reggie is probably talking about Green Day, but his mind is still on Pansy Division. 

“You are going to be okay, right? When we make it big and everyone knows our names?” 

Alex nods. “Yeah, I am. I want everyone to know my name. And fuck them if they have a problem with it.” 

Reggie grins. “That’s the Alex I know. We’ve been wondering where you’ve been.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’ve been so withdrawn, for a while now.” Reggie shrugs. “Luke was convinced you had some big dark secret. That you were moving away, or dying, or starting to hate us.” 

“It wasn’t that,” Alex replies with a shake of his head. “I just didn’t know how to talk about…” he gestures wildly to himself, “this.” 

“That’s what I figured. But don’t worry, I didn’t say anything to Luke. It was your story to share, not mine.”

“Thanks—wait, you _knew?_ ” Panic creeps into his voice. “Am I that obvious?”

Because if _Reggie_ had figured it out, then surely other people must have, too. And what if someone told his parents? Or worse, maybe they already knew. Hadn’t they been a little colder to him recently? Alex had thought they just didn’t approve of the band, but maybe-- 

“Relax, dude.” Reggie interrupts his spiraling thoughts. “I didn’t _know_ , exactly, I just sort of… guessed? It made sense.”

Alex groans and buries his face in his hands. “I can’t believe this.”

“It’s like, every time Bobby tried to get you to go on a date with his sister, the way you shut him down even though she’s super hot--”

“Okay, but that could have just been because it’s Bobby’s _sister_ and that’s weird.”

“—Or when we got you that date for Homecoming last year and you spent the entire night ignoring her so you could talk to that trumpet player from the marching band.”

“Mike Chang.” Alex remembers that night clearly. “But that wasn’t—he’s not, you know…” 

“Well yeah, now he’s dating the girl that we tried to get _you_ to date.” 

“Good for him,” Alex replies stiffly. 

“Someone’s jealous.” Reggie shoves playfully at Alex’s shoulder and Alex pushes him back. It dissolves into a wrestling match, made harder by the confined space of the jungle gym. Reggie nearly falls over the edge, and Alex has to pull him back up, laughing the entire time. 

“Thanks for not saying anything to anyone,” he says, when they’ve settled down again. 

“Like I said, I didn’t know for sure. It just made sense.” And despite that, Reggie had never treated him any differently. Alex feels a sense of fondness blossom in his chest, watching as Reggie readjusts his necklace, dislodged from their fight. “Are you going to tell Bobby?”

“I should. I will. I didn’t mean to tell you and Luke tonight. It just sort of happened. Do you think he’ll be mad I told you guys first?”

“Nah. You bought him the shirt he wanted, right? That’s the only thing he’d be mad about.”

Alex nods. “Luke is mad, though. I feel really bad about that. I don’t know why I thought he was homophobic.”

“Did you really think that, or were you just wigging out because of the crowd?”

Alex is silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to verbalize how he’s feeling. “It was that, and I guess the stuff about my parents. I’ve heard how my dad talks. I guess I thought if my own parents could think that, what was stopping Luke?”

“Makes sense.” Reggie is quiet for a moment. “It’s like when you guys argue and I think it’ll be like my parents fighting. You’re different people, I know that, but the fear is still there.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees. “I’m sorry. It’ll never be like your parents.”

“And none of us will reject you because you’re gay.” 

“Thanks.” Alex nods his reply through a yawn. 

“Glad my sentimentality is so boring to you,” replies Reggie, but he’s smiling. “Let’s go get some sleep.”

\----

“Here’s your t-shirt,” Alex says the next day at band practice, handing the shirt over to Bobby. “And by the way, I’m gay.” 

Bobby raises an eyebrow at him. “Interesting segue, but cool. Thanks for the shirt. Where’s my change?” 

“Delivery fee. There’s no change.” 

Bobby scowls.

“So you’re cool with it, right?” Luke says from where he’s been watching behind his mic stand.

“With not getting change? No. That’s my lunch money. Give it to me.”

Alex unzips his fanny pack as he hears Luke let out an exasperated sigh. “With the gay thing,” replies Luke. 

“Okay, can we not call it ‘the gay thing’?” Alex says, as he fishes for some dollar bills. He had actually spent the change on his own t-shirt, but surely he’s got something that he can give to Bobby. 

“I don’t care that Alex is gay. I care that he’s a stingy bastard who won’t give me my money.”

“You’ll get your money,” he replies, shoving two crinkled dollar bills at Bobby, who glares in return.

“It should be at least five dollars, dude. T-shirts are not that expensive.” 

“I’m gay, I can’t do math,” he replies defensively. Secretly, he’s thrilled to even be able to joke about it. “I’ll give you the rest tomorrow.”

“Not an excuse, and you better.” 

“You’re so greedy, Bobby,” Luke pipes up in Alex’s defense, and Alex gives him a pat on his back as he walks past him. 

Bobby starts bickering with Luke about how wanting his own money back isn’t _greedy_ , it’s normal. Alex moves behind his drum set, fiddling with his sticks, when he catches Reggie’s worried eyes. He offers him an encouraging smile and Reggie smiles back.

“One, two, three, four.”

Luke and Bobby shut up almost instantly, joining in on the song as if they hadn’t just been flinging insults at each other, however playful they had probably meant for it to be. 

Things are normal, as normal as they’ll ever be. Nothing has changed at all. Maybe they’ve all got their own worries, and maybe they sometimes project them on each other, but at the end of it all, they’ve got the band, and their music, and most importantly, they’ve got each other’s backs.

**Author's Note:**

> a couple of historical notes:
> 
> green day toured with pansy division, a queercore punk group, in 1994, though this stop at the palladium is the only show they played together in los angeles. according to jon ginoli of pansy division in his autobiography, the crowd at this show harassed and threw items at them during their opening set and the only thing that made it worthwhile was seeing a father buy one of their t-shirts for his teenage son after the show. 
> 
> although “coming clean” from green day’s _dookie_ album was about coming out of the closet, billie joe armstrong didn’t come out as bisexual until 1995, so some fans wouldn’t have known (although alex, at least, probably would have figured it out fairly quickly). i can’t find a complete setlist for the palladium show, so i don’t know if they played “coming clean” there but they did play it at other tour stops, so it’s not out of the question. 
> 
> the quoted pansy division song is called “anthem” from their 1993 album _undressed._


End file.
